HOW TO THRIVE IN ONLINE MEETINGS
NOT MERELY SURVIVE!
FACE TO FACE – via technology
Coping with the new normal is a steep learning curve.
I’ve been talking with a number of others, including a psychotherapist, my Supervisor, and a Counsellor, about how to survive the intensity of an hour speaking with someone via Skype or Zoom or whatever.
And we all agree how tiring it is.
Here's what we’ve learned:
Sit back from the screen and have not just your face but also most of your upper body visible, to help the other person. Staring at a vast face filling the whole screen and staring back at you is tiring. Don’t be afraid to ask at the beginning of the session: Is this all right? Do you need to see more of my face, my body? Just seeing a face/s means there’s no other body language to observe and that’s tiring.
Choose the background carefully. A blank wall is easier to watch than a busy background which can be distracting, even if sub consciously. Zoom allows you to change your background and have waves rolling in or the northern lights behind you – but actually a moving background may not be helpful, and just a plain calm neutral background is easier for the other person. Don't be afraid to ask the person you are talking to for a plain wall behind them.
Here's where I used to sit for onscreen meetings. It's busy; you're already looking to see if you recognise any books, which is distracting for you. And subconsciously it says "look at me, I've got all these books in my study ..."
Sit lower than your screen and look slightly up. No one wants to peer up your nostrils which is what happens if you are looking down at your screen. And looking down on others is not good body language. If you are using a laptop or iphone, prop them higher on a pile of books or something, so that you are looking slightly up to the screen. If you have a set desktop screen, get a lower chair.
So here's what I'm now doing - a blank wall, screen slightly higher (in fact I usually have it a bit higher than this, balanced on some books!) Light on my face so you can see my features - some of those faces on the multi screen above are almost in darkness and you have to peer and concentrate to see them. And honestly? - better without the scarf. Keep it simple!
Find a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed. Or overheard. Again, that’s easier if you are using a moveable device. If there are others in the house, tell them you don’t want to be disturbed. Preferably lock the door, especially if small children are likely to burst in while you are talking.
An hour may be too long, even if that’s your normal session. Better to do little and often. Don’t be afraid to say enough’s enough, let’s do it again soon. Whether that’s family, friends or clients. This is an intense way to be with another person, there are none of the usual nuances of the physical presence, and there’s little opportunity to look away. We are concentrating the whole time – and that’s tiring. As is seeing a face fill the whole screen. With family and friends, do other things and chat alongside. Maybe eat together and chat, as you would normally, rather than staring at the face on the screen.
Wear lipstick. It makes you look and feel more put-together even when you’re not and are not sporting any other makeup or have not plucked your eyebrows. Those can’t be seen anyway but lipstick, bright and bold, makes an impact. Sorry, men, no idea what your equivalent is.
SPIRITUAL DIRECTION and counselling.
Preparation before and reflection afterwards. These normally happen while you are travelling to and from your session. Remember to build in time around the session for this. Even if it’s only 5 – 10 minutes, take the time in prayer and quietness, in order to hear the Lord and to make the most of your session. Schedule in 10-15 mins prior to the appointment, to get ready physically, emotionally and spiritually; and the same afterwards to pray and process and reflect.
Have calm and quiet around you. If your desk is cluttered and there are unpaid bills or stuff needing urgent attention, you will be distracted. Try to make a clear space with nothing else to take you mind off what is going on. And remove your mobile phone as well - even that is distracting, for you and for others.
Have a candle ready, if possible. Usually you come into the house, there's chat, making coffee – and then there's movement to the counselling room or study, to settle into a quiet space, pray, take time to BE. That is a ritual which makes a difference, although you may not have realised it! On screen, the temptation is to go straight into the session with no time to “be” in each other’s presence or indeed that of the Lord. So, at the start of the session, have a few moments to catch up socially, then take a deep breath, each light a candle, and have a few moments of silence, followed by prayer, to journey from everyday life into this sacred space.
What have you found helpful? How do you cope with online meetings and sessions?
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